010. The Calming Circle
When my child told ME to calm down
Before I begin, I’m prefacing by saying that in this newsletter, I will mention a Lovevery item. I want to disclose that this tool was gifted to me, but this newsletter is absolutely NOT in any way sponsored or forced. This episode was purely a moment that arose naturally that I was caught off guard by and wanted to share. I do have to give some background on the toys to give some context, but I have NO promo codes or affiliate links to give you! So, I’m sorry if you wanted to save some money on a play kit, but you can pretty easily get those referral codes elsewhere if you really need. Okay…onward!
Most of my friends know I solo parent on the weekend several days of the month. My husband is a shift worker, and when he works, he’s always gone before sunrise and back after sunset (except maybe in the summer) for over half the day. Since my daughter was young, I’ve always had to find ways to entertain her by myself, especially as she became a toddler during the pandemic. Hence, I tended to impulse buy toys or books…basically more to entertain me and keep me sane with the novelty than her sometimes…heh.
Anyway, I admit I was actually a bit dubious of Lovevery play kits at first, thinking they were overpriced toys that I wished I could buy separately on their own. They did come out with some individual items that you can purchase at Target now, but the best stuff is still packaged in kits, in my opinion.
Over time, I finally gave them a try, selectively purchasing the exact kits I wanted after looking up the items in each kit and seeing if it might be worthwhile. I would have to fudge my daughter’s birthday to get the exact kit I wanted because sometimes I would buy toys ahead of time that she could grow into or that I thought she was ready for. And most of the time, I have been surprisingly pleased.
Before our Hawaii trip, I was randomly outreached by Lovevery to see if they could gift me a 4 year-old play kit, which is their newest line! I was pretty shocked (and honored…like who am I?!). I’ll admit I had eyed these new kits when they came out, but then I forgot to go back and look because I was trying to declutter anyway. Also, at this age and “post-pandemic” era, it’s a lot easier to find things to entertain my daughter with, so I didn’t think I really needed to buy these anymore.
But when Lovevery reached out, I decided I’d give it a try because I do truly love their stuff after spending quite a bit of my own money on them already, too. AND, the best part was they didn’t force me to promote any promo codes, which felt much less ick to me. :) They don’t even know I’m writing about them here!
I ordered the Persister Play Kit, marked for 55, 56, 57 months old—basically 4.5 years+. (And I promise that link is not an affiliate link, merely informational.) In this particular kit, I really wanted my daughter to try some potential reading and phonics tools, especially after listening to the Sold a Story podcast I mentioned in my very first newsletter. I’m so vigilant in making sure she is learning to read properly now, and I liked the tools they had in this kit for that. And while I was pleasantly surprised she actually sounded words out and started to read(!!), this story centers on something else.
One of the other items in this kit I was curious and skeptical about was the calming circle. I’ll be honest; it looked a bit silly. But read on to see what happened.
The Calming Circle is essentially a large fidget toy. It’s supposed to be these rotating rainbow beads that you stir and spin in a circle, while practicing deep breathing to help your child learn to manage frustrating moments. This whole kit is themed around frustration tolerance. The first time I saw it, I rolled my eyes a little. (Sorry, Lovevery!) It was the item I was least excited about in this kit.
I sat my daughter down with it when we got the kit three weeks ago and walked her through the breathing exercises they included in a little booklet in the kit. For example, they suggested “Rainbow Breathing.” We would pick a color in the calming circle and as we stirred it, name objects that are that color (e.g. Red for strawberries, cherries, firetrucks, etc.). Take deep breaths, then move on to the next colored bead and do it again. Or “smell the cocoa, cool the cocoa” which helps model breathing through your nose and exhaling through your mouth as you “stir the hot chocolate.”
When I taught my daughter, she did the most hilarious “deep breaths” that kind of just sounded like an angry rhino huffing and snorting. I really didn’t think she understood “deep breaths” or this exercise, because all she wanted to do was dive into building the marble maze path builder. (But I was making her do the calming circle first.) So the fidget spinner sat in a corner for nearly three weeks until this past weekend.
Cue frustration, with a twist.
We were playing with a mini pinball marble game that my parents had brought back for my daughter from Taiwan (see above). It was a mini DIY platform that we made, assembled by punch-out 3D printed cheap wood pieces and a spring loaded trigger to propel the marbles—flimsy but actually quite nifty! Now, we probably shouldn’t have been playing with such a fragile creation on the bed, but my daughter had dragged it out and climbed onto the bed with it.
When she was done playing, like most toddlers do, she abandoned it willy nilly, randomly on the edge of the bed. As she proceeded to climb off the bed though, I saw it play out in my head that she could easily squash this pinball machine if she fell over on it or accidentally sat down on it as she was climbing off. So just as I started to say, “Watch out, don’t climb over your —”…the thing that played out in my head totally happened.
She missed the edge of the bed and sat down on the pinball game, smashing it into the soft bed in the process and breaking off a piece of the wooden legs. I was actually surprised it didn’t suffer more damage, but it didn’t stop me from automatically raising my voice and lashing out, “Why don’t you ever watch where you’re going?! You never take care of your toys!”
My daughter stood up in shock at what had happened and looked at the broken wooden piece. I thought she might burst into tears as she had so frequently been doing recently whenever emotions arose, but surprisingly, she just hung her head in shame and said, “I’m sorry, Mommy…”
I kept going, much to my chagrin. The annoyance was on a roll. I couldn’t stop lecturing her about how she should watch what’s around her and be more aware of her surroundings and how I can’t replace this toy from Taiwan and blah blah blah. I hated that I couldn’t stop, and part of me felt like I was watching myself from an out-of-body position in horror! This kind of critique and voice was exactly what I did not want her to embody into negative self-talk in the future.
She didn’t break down, but I could tell she was genuinely sorry. “…Maybe we can try to find a way to fix it?… Like glue?” she offered. And even in my anger, I felt a twinge of pride that she was trying to problem-solve. So I deflated a bit.
I sat down on the floor and awkwardly tried to take a few deep breaths—I was still irritated, so my breaths were shallow and uneven. “I’m sorry I yelled…” I mustered, ungracefully. “Mommy is just frustrated that I knew this might happen, and it did before I could stop it.” I paused. Then remembered to add, “But it’s not your fault that I feel frustrated.”
And that’s when she suddenly lit up. She left the room. And brought back… the calming circle.
I grinned and suppressed a chuckle, “No, it’s okay honey, I can take my own deep breaths without it.” But she pressed the device into my hand and started helping me trace the rainbow beads. Then she got up excitedly again, and I wondered what she was leaving for. It turned out she went to search for the instruction booklet on breathing exercises!
This time, I burst out laughing, anger completely dissipated. “Sweetie, it’s okay! I don’t need to do this!” But my daughter insisted, opening the booklet to find the page on rainbow breathing and practicing with me to name colored objects in rainbow order. “Do you still feel frustrated, Mommy?” she asked.
I pulled her in for a big hug and giggled at how silly all of this was. “Only a little, but not as much as before. Thank you for making me do this,” I answered, planting a kiss on her head. I actually couldn’t believe she had listened to me when we quickly went over this calming circle three weeks back. She snuggled into me, and then said solemnly again, “I’m sorry I broke the toy…”
I genuinely felt bad that I had yelled at her, but I was now finally in the head space to see if we could repair the toy. I examined it more closely. “You know what? Your glue idea was a good one. I’ll ask daddy if he has any wood glue when he comes home tonight!”
She beamed. And I swear she looked almost smug.
Moments like these really surprise me because my daughter handles them much better than I would have at her age. I probably would have cowered in fear; I probably would have cried or really wanted to cry but ended up suppressing it because I was scared of the repercussions if I cried. But I think the more we show up in the repair and in the frustration de-escalation process, the more our kids learn to regulate—even when they see us in dysregulation!
They learn that we own our own feelings and that even adults can feel frustration. I’m still not sure how the calming circle would cool down her frustration if it were to arise, but I’m also kind of glad that she got to see me model it for her first and try it out in a real scenario. Whether or not this toy works on kids, I’m not trying to sell anyone on it. Buy a different fidget toy and make it your own version of a “calming circle” for all I care.
What I am trying to say is that the intention of this toy is not a bad idea. And that some levity, playfulness, and laughter can always change your mood and calm you down too. I’m also happy to report that I did successfully fix the broken leg with wood glue after my husband came home and dug it out for me. (Proud mama, here.)
I hope this story can help other parents out there with some ideas and also to let you know that you’re not alone if you’ve yelled at your kids. We’re human. The emotions get the better of us sometimes. But time and time again, I am finding that the magic is in the repair. =)
Humbled as always,
Jasmine
P.S. Thank you to Lovevery for this kit and also for entirely no pressure to advertise it. Seems like the toys really do speak for themselves :)