018. The First Haircut - at 5 Years Old

Hair has always felt sacred in my family but this first haircut felt even more emotional than I thought it would

This is the last picture I have of my daughter’s baby hair being this long. I forgot to take one right before we cut it. Oops. I KNOW. Who am I, right?

It’s taken over 5 years to cut her hair for the first time, and it feels like I’m losing more and more of the parts of her that are “baby” with each passing day.

My husband cuts his own hair and has done so for many years. I’ve let him trim my hair before too during the pandemic. So I wanted him to be the one to cut our daughter’s hair for her first haircut.

But right before he was about to start, he handed me the scissors and said, “I cut the umbilical cord. You should be the one to cut her hair first.”

Damn it. I didn’t want to cut her hair. I didn’t know if I could bear to. But when he put it that way…sigh.

There’s something about long hair that feels so sacred and meaningful somehow. Maybe it’s the time passing by that you can indirectly measure it by. Maybe it’s the love and care put into maintaining it.

A single elastic tied the spot where he wanted me to cut above. I held my breath. As I cut across, I wanted to cry.

My mother used to tell me that when she was young, she loved having long hair, but all girls were forced to cut their hair into a bob for schools in Taiwan. She hated it, and vowed that if she ever had a daughter, she would let her daughter grow her hair out so long and braid it as much as she possibly could. Growing up, I also loved braiding my sister’s hair, (mostly because I didn’t have enough coordination to braid my own, but I could easily see the back of her head). If my sis reads this, thanks for being my guinea pig! :D

In that sense, I guess growing out hair was a form of expression, a sense of choice and individualism, just as much as cutting hair is too. But for me, I’ve grown up knowing my mom’s wishes to have long hair, and personally, I like my long hair too. And now it was my turn—I had a baby girl too, and we’ve never cut her hair. Until now.

But my baby is a kid now. And as much grief as there is in this transition becoming more tangible and visible and real, there is also a deep sense gratitude. Like, whoa—I made it here.

I never would have thought this would be a milestone. When I had lost all hope just weeks after my husband had cut the umbilical cord, I never could have pictured this far into the future. I never realized that I had to cling onto hope for moments like these to happen—so that one day I could make the first snip across my daughter’s virgin baby hair. 

It blows my mind all the time how much postpartum depression stole from me. And at the same time, it gave me the other side of the coin—which is an inexplicably deep appreciation for all these little moments that I am here to witness now.

Maybe it’s also a product of being One and Won (see newsletter #15), because I know every first is also a last. So I try to savor and marvel and extract every sensation from every experience as much as it’s feasible. This sentiment is always intended, but there’s also this fine balance of not putting too much pressure on myself to absorb everything.

That often means I’m a sappy hot mess, but I was actually already that person before becoming a mom. So all of this is just a cherry on top.

In any case, her daddy made a fun little salon experience for her at home. He bought her a cute bib and served her snacks and lemonade, while a Tonie played on her Toniebox in the background. 

And I silently wept inside as I made that first cut, feeling the mix of sadness and gratitude as we crossed this off our list of firsts. People are often shocked when we say she’s never had a haircut, not even a trim. “Her hair is going to fall into the toilet!” they’d joke.

And I knew it was half true. It just took a lot for me mentally to be ready to say goodbye to another baby part of her. I wanted to cling on to every little second more that I could get of her babyhood. Is that the after effect of PPD or just every mother’s heart, wanting to collect every piece of her baby she’ll never be able to put back inside of her? I’ll never really know, as my experiences were melded into one, but I imagine it’s a swirl of both.

We kept asking my daughter if she wanted to cut her hair or when she wanted to cut it, as if that might push us to do it sooner if she were open to it. But her answer was always surprisingly, “Whenever mommy is ready.”

I don’t want it to be about me—goodness knows I don’t want to perpetuate a people-pleaser cycle. But she has never complained about her hair being long, and frankly I don’t think she cares either way. I know hair grows back, so I’m probably making a big deal out of something ordinary, but I kind of love that she was making space for my feelings this time.

My darling girl, who is empathetic beyond her years, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for you to grow up, just like I was never truly ready to become a mom. But one thing I do know is that I’m going to do everything in my power to be there to witness every milestone I know of and don’t know of (yet).

I’ll always be ready to love every stage of you, even if I don’t know it yet. 

A year ago, last summer—her hair already seemed long here.

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Updates for the readers—thanks for your patience as I have been slower at writing newsletters lately. We took a camping trip a few weeks ago with some preschool friends’ families, and since then it has been really hard to reconnect with the world. Being without reception for a few days felt SO freeing, that I really want to disconnect more now. I’m also just so grateful for this little community we’ve found locally, and my heart felt so full after that weekend. You know who you are. =)

As Healing the Tigress wraps up for the first season, I am hoping I might have a little more time to write this summer. There are a lot of half-written things sitting in drafts, including a really long blog post on postpartum insomnia. (In the meanwhile, you can listen to my postpartum insomnia podcast episode if you haven’t already!) However, we do have a few summer recordings lined up, as we’re already half booked for Season 2! I am so blown away by how much this podcast has affected my life and others. I hope it might have touched yours somehow too if you have listened and I cannot wait to share our next season’s guests with everyone. =*)

Thank you for being here and reading along! It is my newsletter’s first birthday soon (!!) and it feels kind of surreal that it’s been a year. Oh, and speaking of birthdays, my podcast co-host also has a birthday coming soon! Please go wish Peggy an amazing birthday if you know her :) Better yet, I’m sure she’d love reading a review from more listeners on Healing the Tigress! Peggy, you are absolutely one of my favorite persons ever, and I’m SO happy and grateful you were born! Love you!

Photo Credit: Emilie Chuong Photography

Happy June, everyone!

xo,
Jasmine