022. Boundaries, Productivity, and Resting in Motherhood
Reflections on remembering to set boundaries and truly appreciating how to take time off
Two weeks ago, I intentionally took 3 days off during the week. Monday through Wednesday. I didn’t have any specific plans when I requested it a month prior, but I just knew I wanted some “me time” because I was starting to feel burnt out. It came at a great time because shortly after, my grandma passed away and we were also dealing with some health issues with my daughter.
But the original impetus started with the burn out from figuring out the new start of kindergarten, juggling the extracurricular schedules, meeting new families at PTA events, and managing more changes and demands at work. Healing the Tigress had launched a Patreon and we were restarting the second season with a new publishing platform. Don’t get me wrong—it was all actually really exciting stuff (maybe minus work), but I could tell my batteries were starting to run low from the mental load drain.
It felt like I was constantly “on” lately, and it felt like I was trying really hard to fit in everything I needed to do with everything I wanted to do too. And it just didn’t always work. I didn’t like that feeling of competing needs versus wants. The lines for where to draw my boundaries were also starting to get shaky.
For example: I love attending my weekly exercise class, but it started to feel like a chore. A check box to check off. And this is the thing that
talks about in her book “Real Self Care”—that doing a yoga class isn’t going to bring you “real” self care if you’re doing it just to check off a box.I truly do like my classes though and have been regularly going to Pilates (with the same instructor) since 2015 —even through pregnancy! I love how exercise helps me with my sleep, my body, my energy, and my mood. It’s usually a non-negotiable to skip in my week, and I think the reason it started to feel like a chore was because I was starting to resent playing around with time blocks to make it fit in my week. It felt like the already limited time I had to myself was ever-shrinking with this new school year.
Volunteering and Setting Boundaries
In particular, a competing event for precious time on my one day off a week was that I had recently signed up to volunteer at my child’s school library during her library hours. My own working parents never had the luxury of volunteering at our schools back in the day. I had always wished I could see my parents at school, but I quickly realized that was never going to happen for me as a kid, and that was okay.
Now that I’m a working parent myself, I know I am extremely lucky that I have one regular day off a week from work that I can squeeze in a visit to her school for some parent volunteering. It was also very lucky their library day fell on my day off. But then this one sole day off starts to get really crammed. In the past, I liked having it as a spontaneous day to fit things in (whether essential appointments or more for self care), but lately it has become more busy and scheduled than restful.
And then when I went for the volunteer training at the library, I was thrown for another loop. The original time I had signed up for had changed because they had moved my daughter’s library time to a different time. And that new time would make it impossible to make it to my beloved Pilates class every week. I felt so conflicted.
Should I just try to find a different workout to accommodate for the weekly library volunteer time? But then I couldn’t attend my favorite instructor’s class. Did this mean I shouldn’t sign up if I couldn’t commit? Was there a way for me to come every other week so I could at least attend my class some of the time? First world problems, I know. But I was feeling my people-pleasing muscle trying so hard to flex while pushing down my own needs.
I talked about it with my podcast co-host, Peggy. (How nice is it that I have an amazing therapist mom friend that I talk to on a daily basis, right? lol) I told her I decided to ask the teacher if I could just give her the dates that I could come—which was pretty much half the month. Was that wrong of me? Why did I feel guilty for asking? Peggy backed me 100% and told me that it was important and necessary for me to define my boundaries, especially since the sign up time was changed last minute on me.
Last week, my therapist commented that after all our time together, she thinks I’m the type of person that likes to give 110% to everything I say I will commit to, and perhaps it felt bad to me to have to cut down the original time I thought I was agreeing to commit to. Yes, maybe it felt a bit selfish that I wanted time to myself… and yet, I knew that if I didn’t prioritize this time to myself, I would be a much crankier, less refreshed person to be around. And that would affect the mother and wife I wanted to show up as.
So was it really selfish? No, it wasn’t—I had to reiterate it to myself over and over again. My therapist also reminded me that even if we’re doing all the things we love, if we have to do all of it all at once, it doesn’t seem enjoyable anymore (or sustainable). And all of this was volunteer work anyway; it wasn’t mandatory.
Well, it turns out I worried for nothing. The teacher was very understanding and said she would take whatever time I could give. And I have to say, seeing my daughter at the library positively light up and smile the biggest smile I’d ever seen when she saw me checking out books for her and her classmates was so rewarding. She left the library flashing me an “I love you” sign in sign language, and my heart just swelled. It made the time block shuffling worth it. (“I love you” in sign language in this old post below.)
Pushing Productivity Aside for Once
So during this time off two weeks ago, I technically could have made the library time. But I made another conscious choice NOT to schedule more things because I had purposely wanted a few days off for me. Not going to lie, it was kind of hard not to cave. My daughter asked me why I wasn’t going to library time, and I almost wanted to just give in and go. But in the end, I told her mommy had other things to take care of on my only day off. (Patting myself on the back for holding this boundary.)
Then, the other thing I had to face on this time off was to resist the urge to pencil in something every hour so that I could make the most productive use of my time. I had a long list of things I was hoping to accomplish, and I admit that I even tried to block times to do certain things. Deep down though, I already knew my wish list was impossible to fit into these three days and that I would just have to tackle what I could.
I mean, it started off on a bad foot on Monday. I was somehow late taking my daughter to school, so I missed the original new gym class I had wanted to try out. But then… I caught a Pilates class with my usual instructor instead, and it turns out it was actually her birthday! Some of the other regular class members had brought things to celebrate her with, so in the end, I’m glad I had caught this class.
After class, I decided on a whim to swing by the post office because I was expecting a package. The package hadn’t arrived, but on the way there, I saw a food truck in the lot next door that I had been wanting to eat at for awhile. Hm…I had leftovers in the fridge, and grabbing lunch here would “set me back” in my “schedule” to get things done at home. However… there was no crazy line like there usually was on the weekend at the farmer’s market… and, I didn’t have a picky child with me to hinder my food choices. So, I decided to toss my “schedule” out the window and treat myself to lunch!
This day went on and unfolded so spontaneously. I still ended up rearranging the kitchen counters and organizing the island, which was on my to do list. And while I didn’t get to everything I wanted to in those three days off (as I rightly predicted), I felt so much more relaxed just literally “going with the flow.” I went browsing at an arts and crafts store for more storage options and then ended up at Daiso where I found even better options. I never get to leisurely browse any more! I thought to myself.
I felt like in the past I would only ever use my time off for traveling. It wouldn’t feel productive or useful if I wasn’t fitting in the most fun that I could out of the time off. But nowadays, I think that sometimes I need to prioritize rest over productivity and not feel compelled to squeeze every minute for what it was worth. This realization and this feeling was so empowering. The value of my time has definitely evolved.
What I can say is that now I want to schedule in more of these days off to myself because I actually felt more productive and well-rested than I had in a long time. I was even excited (for once) to cook dinner at the end of the day, and I even made dinner one night to share with friends/neighbors while my husband was working late. It felt awesome to have this energy, and maybe the cleaner space also helped.
All this to say, I know I’m very privileged and lucky to afford to have “time off” to myself. But I hope that by sharing some of this experience, I can help other parents also see the value in rest over productivity sometimes. In motherhood, it can feel so hard not to be productive since we’re so squeezed for time. But I have to remind myself that to truly be productive, you do need to get real rest.
In Other News…
I mentioned earlier, but Healing the Tigress is back in full swing for Season 2, if you didn’t already know! AND it was our birthday last week!! Check us out anywhere you get podcasts—we switched over to Buzzsprout for publishing, so it will get automatically pushed everywhere podcasts are available!
We started a Patreon for Healing the Tigress! Check it out if you want to support us more and for extra goodies =) And as always, a rating or review would literally be THE biggest help you could give us—for free!
Today is the last day of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month. And while the conversation should never stop, I am so honored we get to help continue to raise awareness with Nima Bhakta’s family. Check out Deven Bhakta’s episode with us that came out last week or Priya Bhakta’s episode from last year if you haven’t already! [Trigger Warning: maternal suicide]
As we’re talking about goals, productivity, and rest in this newsletter, I keep going back to the one piece of writing I’ve been procrastinating on. I’ve started a blog post on my postpartum insomnia story, and it’s actually half done. It’s LONG—so I was trying to decide how best to organize and split up the information, and what belongs on the blog versus a newsletter. My goal had been to write both things after my podcast episode on insomnia aired, but that clearly didn’t happen.
What I keep having to remind myself is that I don’t do any of this stuff full-time (or get paid)—writing this newsletter, blogging, podcasting, creating content. I really only have slivers of time, and I’m trying to remember not to overpromise or to beat up myself for not delivering in a said window. That being said, now I am aiming for before the end of this year to complete both. I think it will happen!! *Fingers crossed*
This was so long. But I think I only had the energy to write because of the time off I’ve been giving to myself lately. Thanks so much for being here! =)
