004. The First Door Slam
How my daughter's feelings ended up in the first door slam in my face, ever. And how we moved past it.
I got my first door-slam in my face the other night. By my four-year old. Right before Mother’s Day.
I felt my heart crack as I saw the indignation in her face right before the bathroom door shut.
I’ve never slammed a door in anyone’s face in my life. Nor has anyone ever done it to me.
How did we get here?!
Every bit of me wanted to lash back, to admonish “watch your fingers!,” to wrench that door open and demand “respect.” But it was also a cold splash of reality that we both needed to take a pause and re-assess how we got here.
In the split second of rage I had, I also recognized that my primitive downstairs brain was trying to take over. (Credit: Dan Siegel—see Resources at the end.)
I remembered I was the adult here and I needed to bring back the calm, but I struggled too. I stood there and shook, not knowing what to say that wouldn’t belie my anger. Just then her father came home, so I let him take over, as he was far more neutral and impartial in this moment.
It’s the same story almost every night when my husband is working. I’m trying to get dinner on the table before he gets home (after working myself); she is wrapping up her screen time while I finish cooking.
And it’s not even that she’s bad about stopping the screen time. The majority of days I will give her a 2 minute warning/heads up that screen time is coming to an end, and she acknowledges it and will shut it off dutifully at the next request.
The hard part is when she’s turned off the screen and now demands that I pick her up and carry her to the bathroom to use the potty and wash up before dinner. This demand is what gets me because I know she’s more than capable of doing it on her own, especially walking on her own two feet.
It’s more that it is inconvenient for me, if I really stop to think about it. Sometimes I acquiesce (because I know someday I won’t be able to pick her up..) and other times she groans and complies.
But some nights, we’re both impatient and tired and hungry. That night it escalated.
I walked her to the bathroom (refused to carry her that night), and then I said I was leaving to finish setting the table. The meltdown ensued and then we were both wasting time standing there arguing about how she wanted me to stay while she used the potty and how I knew she could use the potty on her own just fine—she does it at school all the time.
Cue the door slam in my face, which may as well have been a giant slap. I gasped and gaped. Luckily, my husband came home right then. I stuffed down my shock and rage. That was my excuse to leave before I said anything I regretted.
Dinner was subdued with that door slam hanging between us. But she actually got over it much quicker than I did.
I felt mostly ashamed of my behavior, even after she had moved on and was starting to giggle with daddy. I could have dropped it too, but it didn’t feel right to leave it hanging. I wanted to avoid this escalation next time, and I just don’t feel good when grudges are involved.
So later that night as I cuddled her before bed, I painfully swallowed my pride and gently said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you before dinner. It didn’t feel good to me when I yelled. Or when you shut the door like that..”
I’ll be honest. I never know the right words to say or know if they will work. I’m fumbling here just as much as the next parent. Hell if I know what I’m doing. But I think the intention is the most important part of any repair with your child.
And I think she felt my intention because she wrapped her arms around my neck, tucked her little head under my chin, and whispered, “Me either.” Except when I heard her say in her little toddler voice, it sounded like, “Me ee-derr.”
My heart cracked a little more, as I sank into her hug and wrapped her into my embrace. I was reminded of actually just how young she was and how I was expecting more maturity than she really should have.
I told her that sometimes I get flustered when I’m getting dinner made and setting up by myself before daddy gets home. I have many things to do. And when I have to stop watching the stove to take her to the bathroom, I get worried I might burn something. Honestly, all these details don’t matter in the long run.
The important thing was—I told her I was sorry for taking out my frustration on her and that she wasn’t responsible for my feelings.
She nodded and said so genuinely, “I’m sorry too, Mommy.”
I hugged her tighter and kissed her, as my eyes welled up. “I know you are, baby. We both are. Remember, I love you even when you’re mad and sad.” She nodded again.
I try to fix my cycle of mistakes by always ending with an apology but not expecting or demanding one in return. People may say gentle parenting is too soft. But the funny thing is, she always gives one back without prompting. It’s like a natural rhythm when we have these conversations.
What I remind myself in these humble parenting moments is that children can’t learn or practice what they haven’t witnessed first. And that includes apologies and open dialogue about feelings. So we have to be the bigger person. Because, we are.
“Okay, but really, let’s not slam doors to show we are angry next time, alright? I really do worry about your safety,” I add.
She replies, “Like your friend’s kid who lost a finger because the door shut on it?”
I can’t help but laugh, even though losing a finger isn’t funny. But I’m laughing with relief (and amazement) because I told her this (true) story over a year ago. And because it just sounds more amusing in a toddler voice.
“Yes, honey. I don’t want that to happen to you.”
She does listen after all.
Resources
Just a few of my favorite gentle parenting books, podcast episodes pertaining to today’s story, and accounts to follow:
Books:
The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel — this was the very first parenting book I read and because it’s rooted in neuroscience (Dan Siegel is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine), I found it fascinating, reasonable, and practical. It actually even helped me understand why I was having some of the emotions I was having during my own PPD.
No Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegel — this was the second book I picked up after finishing The Whole Brain Child and I recommend it if you want to just jump right into the more practical strategies and less of the science. It will reference some of the same topics as in its predecessor, so some people may think it’s not necessary to read both books.
Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy— everyone’s favorite gentle parenting guru! I’ve been listening to her podcast since inception and I had to get the book when it came out too. Validating for parents and some great scripts and actionable strategies!
Podcast Episodes
I liked this series on the Good Inside podcast where Dr. Becky discusses the “disrespect” factor with Myliek Teele.
Instagram:
@biglifejournal
@gentlehealingmom
@biglittlefeelings
@themompsychologist
@nurturedfirst
This is just a mini list. There’s so many great accounts out there, but these are a great start. Please share any of your favorites with me as well! At some point, I’ll share the story that led to me turning to more gentle/mindful parenting approaches and how it has shaped my parenting journey significantly. What I’ve learned is that it is never too late to start this journey if you really want to.
And…I’m happy to report that there have been no more door slams. At least not within the last 2.5 months! :)
Please subscribe (if you haven’t already) to get the first scoop on the stories in your inboxes. Thank you, as always, for reading.
xo and be well,
Jasmine
Omg I felt this to my coOoOoOore. I honestly love how much our kids actually understand when we give them this opportunity to process it with us. Breaking that generational trauma for sure!